We're All Mad Here
by CrazieDasie
Summary: Remus stays with Sirius over the summer holiday and proves that when everything goes wrong, a lot can go right too.
1. Prologue: Two Kisses In Time

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.**

A/N: This is just a prologue. Future chapters will be much longer!

* * *

Peter squeaks. And they're off. 

They have a plan for mistakes like these. They call them mistakes because they don't ever think they're going to get caught. James grabs Peter's small sweaty hand and goes right. Sirius grabs anything he can grab of Remus's and goes left. Scatter. James and Sirius split up so that at least one of the leader masterminds can still carry out whatever ill conceived prank they've cooked up if the other pair gets caught.

Sirius and Remus run around the corner and freeze at a dead end. They can both hear the formidable boom boom of the caretaker's heavy boots getting louder, coming closer.

Sirius scans the area and stops himself just in time from screaming with joy. "Closet," he hisses into Remus's hair. The two boys move quickly, squeezing in together as Sirius closes the door behind them.

They start giggling, silently and with too much breath. Remus makes a sound of surprise and almost topples backwards.

"Gotcha Remus," whispers Sirius, grabbing hold of Remus's waist.

"That was close," says Remus in high inhales and husky exhales.

Sirius's very skin is pulsing. Every nerve and vein alive with adrenaline. Adrenaline from the run and now from the fear that any moment that door might be pulled open from behind his back. He can't stop laughing, bubbling over with euphoric pleasure.

Remus's eyes are golden flames in the darkness. They are pressed so close together, Sirius can feel Remus's heart blasting against his own. And everything smells like Remus and sweat from running. Sirius has to do something, has to release some of this sudden energy. So he tips his head just that little bit forward. And kisses Remus with a closed, sweet, twelve year old boy kind of kiss.

"Sorry," Sirius says as he pulls back from him.

"It's OK," says Remus.

They start giggling again.

* * *

Hogwarts is under a white blanket. Classes are still in session, but as soon as that last question is answered, that last homework assignment is assigned, pandemonium breaks loose and no one is inside if they can help it. 

The snow makes too much noise crunching under their boots as they run. Sprinting across the courtyard away from James and his myriad of snowballs.

They keep going with Peter screaming at them that there's no escape. Sirius grabs the back of Remus's scarf and pulls. They make a quick turn and dive into Hagrid's new puppy's doghouse.

Sirius feels around blindly. "Fang's out," he exhales.

"Good," says Remus. He turns his face to Sirius, and from the faint but blinding light creeping into their hiding space, Sirius can just make out his wicked grin. "I hate dogs."

Sirius gasps and pretends to lunge at Remus's throat, still fresh and excited about his new animal form.

They laugh breathlessly and twist and Sirius pins Remus down.

"Stop," Sirius whispers. Stop. Because he hears two familiar voices trying to push their way through the winter wind's howling. Stop. Because he can't breathe, he's breathing to fast. Stop. Because his heart is racing, making his every vein pulse with a liquid fire. Stop. Because his fingers, wrapped around Remus's wrists, are burning and he's burning up.

They're going to get caught. And that is the last thing on Sirius's mind.

He breaks whatever spell Remus and himself are under and seizes forward. Seizes the day. Seizes Remus's lips.

They kiss. And it's an awkward, wet, fourteen year old boy kind of kiss.

"Sorry," Sirius says as he pulls back from him.

And Remus's face blooms into a one-hundred watt smile.

Right before they're pelted with snow.


	2. Chapter 1: Plan A Backfires

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.**

A/N: THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who read and/or reviewed the last chapter!! Enjoy this one!

* * *

"That was a plate," says Regulus. There's another sound like the world is ending piece by piece that makes Remus jump to the ceiling. "Yes," Regulus continues. "You can tell they're plates because they make more of a scraping sound against the wall." 

"Well," says Remus, swallowing and trying so hard to sound normal. As opposed to this wobbly I'm Going To Cry voice he seems to have adopted. "What, what else would she be smashing?"

Regulus shrugs. "Sirius's skull. It's happened before." He smiles and tips his head to the side and looks like every demented child in every Muggle horror film Remus has ever watched.

Remus slides himself further down the couch, and Regulus follows.

In the next room, Sirius's and his mother's voices rise and fall and shriek and chase each other in a chorus of screams.

"You're weird," says Regulus. He's sitting like a gothic prince with his skinny legs crossed and his hands in his lap and his dark hair falling gracefully around his face.

_I'm weird?_ Remus wants to ask.

"Everyone in my house thinks so." Regulus pauses and taps his chin. "My Slytherin house. Though, I don't think you're doing any better at this house either."

Remus nods. He refuses to look anywhere other than straight ahead at a glass cabinet holding Merlin knows what deathly dangerous objects just waiting to kill a teenage werewolf. But, there, out of the tiniest corner of his right eye, Remus can see Regulus staring at him. And it's creeping. Him. _Out._

"Want to go see the dead elf heads?" asks Regulus.

This is James's fault.

Remus is sitting on this hard couch in Number 12 Grimmauld Place, being dissected by Sirius's younger brother, because James Potter loves to challenge.

* * *

Remus looks up from his book and frowns. It's a frown he's developed specifically for moments like these. Moments when he's overcome with deep consuming feelings of annoyance. "Can I help you?" he asks the small, three person army that has crowded around his bed. 

James, the apparent leader, grunts and throws a familiar letter at Remus's feet. "We found this," he says.

"How could you have found this if I hid it?"

Peter eyes his comrades and shifts from one foot to the other. "I was looking for candy."

"Peter, I am ashamed," groans Remus.

"Chastise him later, Moony. When were you going to tell us?"

Remus sighs. When did this friendship become a four-way marriage? He doesn't remember a ceremony and there are definitely certain matrimonial perks he's missing out on.

"Eventually," is his answer to James's question. Eventually he'd have to tell them. Like when they all leave for summer and he doesn't.

They stare at him.

"I'm fine," he says. And he is. Of course he's fine. Of course he's fine with his parents not being able to pay for their house anymore and deciding to go on a trip to "find themselves" and leaving Remus to…well just leaving Remus. They're leaving him behind while they try to do something for themselves for once and he doesn't blame them.

He's fine.

"It's just for the summer," he says to their still staring faces. "They're old." He doesn't know what makes him say that. They're not that old.

"So," snorts James. "My parents are ancient and they wouldn't leave me with no where to go for an entire summer."

Remus feels slightly insulted by that. James's parents didn't have to raise a sick child did they? And constantly lie to everyone they met, and watch their backs, and pick up and move all the time. And he's not being abandoned. He has a wonderful place to stay

"I haven't asked Dumbledore yet, but I'm sure if I explain-"

"Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony." James waves his hands around in the ultimate gesture of shut your gob. "Naturally, we've come up with a plan for you, love."

"Love?" Sirius cocks an eyebrow. Then he shakes his dark head and says "Wait! What plan?"

James points at Remus. "You're coming to stay with me!"

"And me," adds Peter.

"Oh," says Sirius, with the beginnings of a frown. "Me too. Then."

Peter and James share a look. "Moony can't possibly stay with the family happiness forgot, Padfoot," says Peter. "We'll never see him again."

Sirius gasps like what Peter said was anything close to a lie.

"Listen," says Remus. "I really appreciate-"

"You're staying with _me_ for the end of June and July, and Peter's during August-"

"What?" Sirius interrupts, staring at James.

"-we're going to go _camping_ when, you know, it's your time." James finally turns to Sirius. As usual, when someone else is having a problem, it somehow ends up being about Sirius too. "It's all figured out, Padfoot. We've already talked to our mums. You'll be there for full moons!"

"Yeah, great, I'll see him when he's a fucking werewolf." Sirius moves quickly and sits down next to Remus. "Come on, Moony. Stay with me. _I'm_ your best friend. Not _Prongs_."

"Hey, now!"

Remus bites his tongue. _He's_ not _Sirius's_ best friend, _Prongs_ is Sirius's best friend, how is _that_ fair, he thinks. "I haven't even agreed-"

"Remus," says Peter, rolling his eyes.

Remus hates this. He hates, _hates_ being a charity case. Hates being an inconvenience. He doesn't want James's and Peter's families to think he's some poor child, some poor child with bad parents. He doesn't have bad parents.

He'd much rather stay at Hogwarts. With the library, and the silence, and the solitude.

But, they would never forgive him.

"_Alright_. Thank you." he says, looking up at James.

"What about me? How come I don't get to have Moony? If anything, I should have him instead of Wormtail!"

"Sirius, Remus isn't a pet," shouts James. It really took some guts to not include Sirius in this plan. They all know by now, they've known since the animagi idea was suggested. They know that Remus belongs to Sirius. And that's final. "This isn't about whose better friends with whom. This-"

"This," says Sirius, leaping off of Remus's bed. "This is about you two thinking I'm a fuck up and that I'm going to get Moony killed or something!"

"It has nothing to do with _you_, Padfoot. It's your family."

Remus watches Sirius hesitate. He's not sure why he's not joining this argument with a _Sirius, I'll be your dinner guest the first night, and then your dinner for all the rest._

Sirius shrugs and straightens into his rarely used stance of haughtiness. "Nothing'll happen to him if _I'm_ there."

There's a pause. Like they're all balancing on the edge of a knife. Remus watching James watching Sirius watching James, and Peter looking out of the window, always distracted by something.

"Really?" James asks, raising a fine eyebrow.

"Really," says Sirius. His usual half-lifted smile in place.

Remus doesn't like this. There is nothing good about this exchange.

"OK then," says James, brushing his hands together. "If you feel so _passionately_ about having Moony stay at your house…with your _family_…then we'll go to Plan B."

"Uh…" Remus raises his hand. "May I ask what Plan B is?" He knows what Plan B is.

"Plan B," says James. And he's smiling and talking slow like a crazy person and watching Sirius like a hawk. "Remus stays with Sirius."

"For…? You forgot the month," says Peter, finally joining the real world.

James smiles wider. "Did I?"

Sirius leaps forward and jabs James in the chest. "You're on Prongs!"

"What?" Remus shouts.

Sirius spins around and falls onto the bed next to Remus. "The world is right again. I promise it'll be fun. We have…my house is…it'll be fun."

When did Remus's life become everyone else's decision? Remus wants to scream _I take it back! I take it back! I'm staying here! You can't make me leave!_ But he can't because "the world is right again" and those five words sent something sparking, familiar and promptly ignored, down Remus's spine. So instead he asks the burning question "Are you even allowed to have friends over?"

Sirius rolls his eyes. "Of course, Moony!"

* * *

Sirius barges out of the dining room backwards and catches the door in this hand. "I hate you!" he screams, slamming the door shut. He turns around and lights up when his eyes land on Remus. "Let's go up to my room," he says cheerfully. 

_Bi-polar,_ thinks Remus. _He's bi-polar. Or mental_. I'm _mental._ "Um," he says, getting up like there's a fire under his butt because he'd rather brave the inner workings of Grimmauld Place than sit next to Regulus for another second. "Um," he says again, now standing next to Sirius. "I can stay?"

"Oh yeah," says Sirius, flapping his hand at the door he just stormed out of. "We worked it out."

"Worked it out?" asks Remus. Sirius walks over to the front door where they dropped their trunks before hell broke loose, and picks Remus's up. "Because it sounded like you were re-enacting a Goblin war."

Sirius shrugs, balancing Remus's trunk on top of his own with his wand. "M'rooms this way," he says, starting towards a winding staircase.

When Sirius suddenly stops and turns around, Remus teeters and totters and almost topples backwards. "You don't mind sharing my room, right Moony? Because you can have a spare. Whatever's going to be more comfortable."

Remus looks at Sirius like he's never seen him before. "Sirius, I'm not leaving your side you better get used to having someone watch you pee."

Sirius lets his head fall back with laughter and for the first time in this ancient house, Remus feels normal.

They walk up the stairs. Remus catches a glimpse of a long corridor when they round the first landing. There are so many faded and embellished paintings along the walls, watching him pass, sharing whispered words with their neighbors.

"This way," says Sirius when they get to what must almost be the top floor. It's a smaller corridor with two doors on either side. Remus hasn't yet allowed himself to realize that Sirius lives in a mansion. Every house Remus has ever lived in could collectively fit in Sirius's front hall.

"That's-" starts Sirius at the first door.

Regulus slinks out of the shadows and stands in front of them. He's about a head shorter than Sirius which has nothing to do with age. Sirius got all the good genes.

"What?" Sirius barks.

"I just want to point something out to your _friend_." Regulus says friend like he's offended by the vary idea. He also looks at Remus like he didn't just spend ten minutes downstairs telling him how strange everyone thinks he is.

Sirius sighs. "Get it out now, because this is the last thing you're saying to us for the remainder of our existences."

Regulus saunters over to the door closest to them and points. "Please read this."

Remus squints at the small sign.

"Out. Loud."

Remus is half appalled and half desperately trying not to laugh at Regulus's sheer nerve, or insanity. Mostly insanity. "Uh….do not enter without the express permission of Regulus Arcturus Black."

"Move," says Sirius, pushing Regulus out of his way and striding down the hall.

"That means you too," Regulus shouts. A door slams and Remus buckles over.

Sirius looks at him with hooded eyes. "You won't think he's so amusing by the end of the week. I promise you."

On the next door is a name plate. _Sirius_ it says. It doesn't have to be there. Any of the other three occupants of this grand house would probably lose their eyeballs upon entering and most likely stay far far away.

Sirius's room is like stepping into a lavish one room dorm in Gryffindor tower.

"I'll have one of the house elves transfigure a bed for you," says Sirius, lowering Remus's trunk to the ground. "If that's OK? The floor is out of the question." Sirius stands up and motions towards his own royal bed. "You _can_, uh, you know…"

"You kick," says Remus, grinning and closing Sirius's bedroom door.

Last year, Peter accidentally spilled their prank (permanent sticking itching powder) on Sirius's bed and Remus still has the bruises on his calf.

Sirius smiles with all his teeth and takes a long step over to Remus. He laughs and punches him in the shoulder. "I'm glad you're here, Moony."

Remus's arms twitch. He holds them firm at his sides.

They stand there, nodding, and smiling, but they're not awkward. This happens. It happens a lot. Remus knows what Sirius is thinking. He knows what he himself is thinking too. But it's like they have to be hiding and filled with those electric feelings of being chased for anything to happen.

Over Sirius's shoulder, Remus can see a poster. It's a Muggle girl lounging rather provocatively across a motorbike.

Maybe Sirius isn't thinking what Remus is thinking. Maybe Remus has no business thinking that at all.

Sirius punches Remus again. "Kreacher," he shouts.

Remus is confused for a second until a crouching house elf appears before him. "I need your help." Sirius, none too gently, pushes the elf and leads him over to the wall next to his bed.

There's a chill in Sirius's room. Now Remus can feel it. So he opens his trunk for a jumper. On the very top, sitting among his well organized life, is a letter addressed to him in the unmistakable scrawl of James Potter.

Remus opens it up.

Moony!

First of all, I hope you're still alive. Second of all, DO NOT show this to Sirius. You should destroy it. Nevermind, he'll get suspicious. Hide it in your pants. Nevermind, that's the fist place he'll look. Eat it. Just DO NOT LET SIRIUS READ THIS!

I want to apologize to you. I know you're a proud little werewolf, but I know you must be feeling something in there about your parents, and I really wanted to help you. I started out wanting to give you something good. I didn't mean for it all to backfire. I should have known. Sirius hates not being included. And I'm sure he didn't like not being the one to save you.

NOT THAT YOU NEED SAVING!

But, that's what we do, Moony. We find problems and we solve them. And you're a whole wealth of them.

I hope you're not upset with me, or Sirius, or Peter. This note is really to let you know that I don't expect you to last long at Sirius's. I'm not going to throw you to the lions or actually the man eating snakes! My mum and dad gave me the OK, I will come and get you at a moment's notice if you need to/want to leave. Plan B is for Sirius. Plan A is still in effect for you.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Always playing the hero,

Prongs

Remus is having trouble wiping the smile from his face.

"C'mere, Moons!"

The empty space next to Sirius's bed has been replaced with a rather simple bed. Soft and cozy, but not the intricately designed bed Sirius apparently sleeps on.

"Is it OK?" Sirius sits on the corner and bounces. "We can switch if you don't like it or I can have Kreacher transfigure-"

Remus smacks his hand over Sirius's mouth. "Alright," he says. Sirius's eyes grow wide. And under his palm, Remus can feel Sirius's lips quiver and part. "From the moment I remove my hand, you, Sirius Orion Black, will stop asking me if I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm not mad that I'm here instead of at James's, Sirius…I'd _rather_ be here than James's." Remus's heart beats wild jungle rhythms against his chest. But he continues. "I'll let you know if I start to feel uncomfortable. You're being a great host." Remus swallows and removes his hand.

Sirius licks his lips. "Are you OK?" he asks.

Remus growls and tackles Sirius across the bed.

"I'm serious," he squeals. "I think you've gone mad!"

"No," says Remus. He makes a sound like a goat's bleat when Sirius flips them over. "I'm just mad. Plain old mad."

"It's just that." Sirius has his elbows propped up on Remus's chest and his chin cradled in the palms of his hands. Towering over Remus like a dark angel. "I want this to be good. And I know Prongs probably sent you some Shout If You Need A Rescue letter to try and undermine me. He did didn't he? Don't lie to me."

Remus laughs. "He did. I hid it from you."

"Your crotch is the first place I'm looking."

"Of course." Remus bucks and knocks Sirius off of him.

Sirius frowns, but suddenly reaches over and pets Remus's head. "Want to go see our library?"

Remus's eyes flutter. He forces them to stay open and pushes himself up.

"Where are you two going?" says Regulus's head sticking out of his bedroom door as they pass.

"Library."

"Can I come?"

"No."

"I hate you!" The door slams.

At the top of the stairs, Remus grabs Sirius's arm. "Is that what you people say instead of See You Later?" He's joking. But not really.

"Yeah. Why would I _want_ to see them later?" Sirius smiles like he's OK. But his wrist moves and his hand sneaks up and his fingers, briefly, tangle with Remus's.


	3. Chapter 2: The Chase Begins

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.**

A/N: Happy Puppyshipper's Day, Puppy Shippers!!

* * *

This is what he wanted. This is one of the reasons, one of the two reasons, he wanted Remus to stay with him.

Remus is sitting on his bed, his own bed conjured from thin air, reading the dusty tomes he has acquired from the Black Family Library of Death and Doom, and Sirius is lying stomach down in the middle of the floor writing his first summer letter to James.

It almost feels like Hogwarts.

In this house he hates, he now has this little piece of his real home.

And it's perfect.

It's what he wanted. One of the two reasons.

Sirius really doesn't know what to write to James. Usually this is the letter of whining and bitching and complaining about his mum, his father, his brother, his life. But he's happy. He's really happy. And he doesn't want to write about that either.

He looks around his room, fishing for random things he hasn't already told James a thousand times before. His eyes land on his trunk, then on Remus and his lips curl into a soft smile Sirius can sometimes produce when he's not paying attention. Another turn of his head and he sees one of his bike posters.

They're not lies. But they're not the whole truth either. And maybe he still should have taken them down.

Sirius scowls and picks his quill up.

Sir Prongsalot of Nonsense,

Next time you come up with a plan and don't include me and then we fight and then you cave (hilarious) and then Moony is sent to live with me, please, please (don't consider two pleases to be begging) remind me to send a notice to one of the many house elves to clean my room! Moony's getting the wrong idea about me.

Sirius stops and buries his face into the crook of his elbow. The nervous feelings of saying so much and too much and not enough escaping as laughter.

He regains his composure and signs the bottom with a squiggly _S.B._

Rising from the floor, Sirius grabs this letter and looks at Remus. "Tired, Moony?"

Remus finishes his gigantic yawn and nods.

"Well," says Sirius, quickly tying his letter to his post owl. "Drowsiness is the leading side effect from reading too much about…"

"Muggle World Leaders of the 1600s and Their Possible Involvement with Radical Muggle-Supporters in the Ministry of Magic and Why Those Muggle-Supporters Should Be Decapitated. With Graphics."

"Riveting."

Remus laughs. "Well, I suppose it's no…" He reaches under Sirius's bed. "Biker's Weekly."

"Hey!" Sirius stops half-way to taking his shirt off. "Don't touch my wank mag!" He ditches the shirt and tosses it in the corner of his room he uses as a hamper. "You know how pistons and axles get me going."

Remus drops the magazine. "Sirius, you can't possibly look _less_ like a biker."

Sirius, after giving Remus a face full of shock (and a couple of fingers), grabs his wand and takes position.

"What are you doing?"

Sirius doesn't take his eyes off his door. Wand hand moving in circles and swishes and flicks. His lips whispering those familiar foreign words.

When he's done, he places his wand on his dresser and shrugs. "Wards." He crawls over Remus, over the two inch space between the two beds, and flops down.

"Afraid Regulus is going to have a nightmare and run to his big brother's open arms?" Remus laughs shaky and unconvinced about his own teasing question.

"He's the least of our worries." Sirius stares at Remus without blinking, masking his breathing. He tips his chin down because he knows that only helps to make him look more sinister. Also, when he does that, the shorter pieces of his hair falls over his eyes and, not that he's bragging, but he looks pretty sexy like that.

He can't hold it for long. Remus's face is just too deliciously unnerved. "I'm joking," he bursts, collapsing onto Remus's bed.

Remus smacks him across the crown of his head. "Then why the wards?"

Sirius shifts onto his back. Now he can look up at Remus but still lay on Remus's much move comfortable bed. "Ever hear of privacy?"

Remus leans closer to him. "Ever hear of mental hospital?"

"Moony! The Blacks founded one! Then populated it."

"Interesting." Remus moves so that he's lying down. Now Sirius is face to face with him, and suddenly the bed is a lot more comfortable. "I'm sleepy."

Sirius loves Nighttime Moony. Nighttime Moony uses words like Sleepy and PJs and smacks his lips a lot.

In Sirius's mind, he sees someone just like himself but so much braver than he is, which is a feat. It's a Sirius that maybe doesn't care about Remus's feelings, or maybe cares more about his own desires, or maybe doesn't care about anything. And that boy, in Sirius's imagination, leans forward and kisses Remus with a soft, gentle, goodnight my love kind of kiss.

But that's the Sirius in his head. They real Sirius smiles and says "See you tomorrow, Moony." And rolls over onto his own bed.

* * *

There's a loud banging that Sirius thought was inside his head, but on further consideration he realizes that it's definitely outside his head and maybe he should wake up and investigate it.

He groans and makes a whole lot of aching morning noises and gets out of bed. This time he's considerate and doesn't climb over the Remus Lupin one bed over.

It takes him five pulls on his doorknob to realize he put his wards up, and a couple of swishes later he tries the knob again.

Regulus continues to knock until Sirius's door is all the way open.

"What?" barks Sirius. Regulus's overall awake appearance is only aggravating Sirius more. Bloody morning person.

"Mother wants you down for breakfast."

"What?" says Sirius, face dropping in disbelief.

"Mother told me to tell you that she wants you down for breakfast and _I_ said to her that _I_ think-"

Sirius slams the door closed. "This is unbelievable!"

"Mwhmmatmmat?" asks Remus.

Sirius moans and drags his feet back to his bed. "I don't want to have breakfast with the father, the son, and the holy bitch!"He flops face down onto his mattress.

The bed next to Sirius's creaks. "Nothing like blasphemy in the morning."

"I got it!" Sirius sits up quickly, electrocuted to full awakness by a thousand ideas. "We just won't go down. She can't make us. Yes she can. Yes she can." He crumples back across the bed.

"Is there a problem?" asks Remus, leaning over and inspecting Sirius's face.

"My mum wants me, us, to come down for breakfast."

Remus nods. "And they're serving scrambled eggs? I know how you prefer the dippy kind."

"I_prefer_," says Sirius, rolling over to face Remus. "To not go down there at all."

"Oh." Remus nods again. "You don't eat with them?"

"I don't look at them if I don't have to." Sirius watches a frown threaten to form across Remus's face. Remus knows, they all know, how his home life is. But, Sirius didn't consider how different it would look to actually experience it. And he doesn't want Remus to have to experience anything like that ever.

Remus scooches on to Sirius's bed and sprawls out next to him. "I know tonight when I'm being made into some king of bad tasting Shepherd's pie for your family to enjoy that I'm going to look down from heaven and regret saying this, but, how bad can it be?"

* * *

It's a table made when the table was the star. When houses were stuffed with family members and friends of the family and dignitaries and important people and people who thought they were important. And they all always ate together. It takes up an entire room and was probably the cause behind a whole forest being magically uprooted and transfigured.

At one end, the west end, Sirius's mother sits at the head, flanked by Regulus and Sirius's father.

At the other end, way down at the other end, is Sirius at the head, with Remus to his left. He has his hand gripping Remus's armrest for too many different reasons, and he's only half-amused by the way Remus has to keep sucking his cheeks in to stifle his laughter every time he glances down at the remainder of the Black family.

There's no need to point it out, but the whole scene is quite humorous.

"Dippy eggs," whispers Sirius, grinning at Remus.

"What was that son?" screams Mrs. Black.

"God, the old bat can't even hear Regulus and he's sitting so close his food's probably flavored with her spit."

"Sirius?" Mrs. Black screams. "What did you say?"

Sirius freezes. "She called _me_ son?"

"That's what you are," whispers Remus.

"Well I don't need a reminder!" He clears his throat. "I said dippy eggs," he screams. "I like dippy eggs!"

"Yes," says, _shouts_, Mrs. Black. "Yes. I know you prefer dippy eggs. Please have all the dippy eggs you like. Enjoy."

Sirius drops his fork, "They're poisoned."

"Can I say something?" shouts Regulus. "I would like to point out that they are not called dippy eggs. They're over easy. Can we please not refer to them as dippy eggs because that sounds ridiculous."

"Just eat that toast," Sirius says to Remus. "The toast should be fine. NO BUTTER!"

"What?" shouts Mrs. Black. "You need more butter?"

"No," Sirius screams back at her. "It's too early in the morning to consider suicide."

Mrs. Black laughs. Sirius hates to admit that she laughs like him, or he laughs like her. Head throw all the way back, hands clutching her chest, eyes closed. "I'm not trying to kill you. We always have your first breakfast together."

Sirius stares across the mile long table at the blur that is his mother. "She's lost her fucking mind." Then he adds, in a scream, "No we don't!"

Now Sirius's father laughs. He has a much more reserved, down to business laugh. It's probably how Regulus laughs, Sirius thinks; if Regulus laughs which is highly unlikely. Mr. Black stops laughing, makes a delighted moaning sound, and then shouts "Actually, Sirius, there is a reason we called you down here." He picks up his wand and twirls it.

Sirius turns to Remus. "Moony, there's something I have to tell you, before we die."

Mr. Black brings his wand down, using a whispered spell to cut a slice of his breakfast steak.

"Nevermind," Sirius says, moving away from Remus.

"Somehow," begins Mr. Black. "You've managed to wheedle us into letting your_friend_ stay over." He also says friend like it's a decapitating disease. "This does not change the way you conduct yourself in this house. You are still not allowed to leave without our permission. You are not allowed to use the floo unless under supervision. Since we were not prepared to have an extra mouth to feed, after this breakfast, you will have to share whatever provisions the elves usually provide you. That'll be for the remainder of the summer, so you best not waste a morsel because when you are out, you are out. We don't want to hear anything you have to say, unless you're finally prepared to act like a proper Black. Do not wander around the house-"

"Dad!" hisses Regulus.

Mr. Black rolls his eyes. "And do not go into Regulus's room. Do you have anything to say?"

"Yes," shouts Sirius. He can't meet Remus's eye. He can see that Remus has that tiny wrinkle across his forehead which means he's upset and Sirius can't deal with that now. "I'm prepared to bargain for wandering. I wanted to take _my friend_ on a tour of the house. He's…interested in our history." That'll work, he thinks.

"Well," says Mrs. Black, visibly brightening, even from a distance. Any chance to convert someone into a Black Family fan is a good one. "If he's interested in us. I don't see why a tour-"

"Mum!" hisses Regulus.

"They're not going into your room! What do you think, Orion?"

Mr. Black is silent for a moment. Then he nods. "That'll be fine. You may leave the table." And there's no need to wonder who he's talking to.

"I did poison the syrup," Mrs. Black adds.

Remus and Sirius leave never feeling luckier that they weren't in the mood for pancakes this morning.

Sirius keeps walking, leading Remus away from the dining room and back up to his bedroom. "Well," he says, closing his door behind them. "That was my family."

"Sirius…" Remus takes a step closer to Sirius, wrinkled brow deeply etched across his forehead. "Is…they really make you do all that?"

The little devil on Sirius's shoulder is telling him to use Remus's obvious concern to his devious advantage.

He doesn't listen to it.

"Moony," he says, waving his hand in dismissal. "I'm-" He's not going to lie. He's _not_ fine with it. "The last thing I ever want to do is interact with any of them anyway. And they're actually being lenient this summer, must be old age."

Remus tips his head to the side, but doesn't say anything which Sirius is grateful for.

A barn owl sweeps in through Sirius's open window and lands on the footboard of his bed. Remus gets there first and unties the scroll of parchment around the owl's leg. "Dearest Sirius. Moony's seen your soiled panties on the floor before plenty of times. What else you got?" Remus looks up from the letter. "Soiled panties?"

Sirius laughs and grabs James's note from Remus's hands. "How about that tour?"

"Yes," says Remus. "I am so very interested in your family's history." He rolls his eyes and beams white teeth at Sirius.

* * *

After three floors and a basement, magically enlarged corridors, bedroom after bedroom, a potions lab that would have made Slughorn weep, the dead elf heads, and five toilets, Sirius and Remus find themselves standing shoulder to shoulder outside of Regulus's room.

"What do you possibly think he's got in there?"

"Something he shouldn't have," says Remus. He leans closer to the door. "Is he in?"

"Nah," says Sirius. "He was down in the sitting room, remember? Giving mummy and daddy all the details of his sorry ass life at school." Sirius usually never cares about Regulus and his pretend secrets. But his family has gotten on his last nerve these one and half days he's been home and he wants so badly to push their buttons.

He takes his wand out. He looks at Remus. "We _are_ Marauders."

Remus's eyes widen. "We're not stupid though. Put that away before you hurt yourself!"

"Oh, Moony." Sirius points his wand at Regulus's door. "He probably just doesn't want us to see his soiled panties. Alohomora!" The door creaks open. "One charm? Amateur."

Sirius toes the door open a little more and takes Remus's hand. There's a bed, and green things, and no secret nuclear weapon, and nothing at all close to being incriminating or fascinating.

The alarm sounds three steps into the room.

And somewhere downstairs, Regulus Black screams obscenities that make his parents proud.

Sirius and Remus look at each other, nod once, and run like wild men from the room.

In his mind, Sirius quickly maps out every nook and cranny of his house. Secret passageways, hidden hallways, rooms that shouldn't be there, rooms that really aren't there, crawl spaces, closets, pantries. "This way," he says, pulling Remus with him. They run down the staircase and swing onto the second floor. Sirius is alive with adrenaline. He's having more fun than he ever remembers having in between these walls. His fingers sweat and burn around Remus's wrist.

Halfway down the hall, Regulus comes barreling around the other side. "You," he screams. "You. You."

"Aw," says Sirius, pressing his free hand against his banging heart. "You're starting to learn your alphabet."

Regulus lets out a guttural yell and propels forward.

They dodge him.

Remus looks up at Sirius with the best face of confusion he's ever produced to date. "Why didn't he just hex us?" A blue light flies past Remus's face. "There he goes."

Grabbing Remus's hand again, Sirius leads him in a run down the hall, up another flight of stairs, and into the first door he meets.

The room they enter smells like must and powder and is filled with decadent furnishings.

"Oh, God. Mum's room," whispers Sirius. "I took a wrong turn somewhere." The last time Sirius was in this room, he was a baby. Two years old, maybe three, old enough to have the memory. It was a bad storm, and Sirius wasn't scared at all, until he thought he saw a face outside his window when the lightening struck. His mother welcomed him in to her bed with a warmth she's lost as the years past.

There's a crash outside the door and Sirius is pulled back with a shaky jolt to why they are standing in this room in the first place. They hear Regulus's screechy voice telling someone that they're up here somewhere.

Sirius and Remus scramble across the room and squeeze into Mrs. Black's dresser.

"Well," whispers Remus. "This is a lovely little mess. Your fault of course."

"My fault," Sirius exhales. Every sound makes his breath hitch and he's finding it hard to hold any oxygen in his lungs.

"_I_ didn't want to go in Regulus's room!

Sirius moves closer to Remus and grabs his face. "OK! I'm sorry. Keep your voice down."

Through the thick wood of the dresser and the heavy material of the robes surrounding them, Sirius can hear the muffled creaking of his mother's door being opened.

"Check the wardrobe, Regulus."

Sirius and Remus cling to each other, move forward so that they're merging together. Sirius's arms twist around Remus's body, and when Remus exhales, Sirius inhales his breath. Sirius can feel every bead of sweat falling down his spine in time with every loud step Regulus takes towards the dresser. His muscles are quivering to stay still. He doesn't want to think about what's going to happen to them when the door opens.

The door opens.

Sirius's skin flares with electric nerves. He pushes his body flush against Remus's and feels him trembling too. Waiting for disaster as a string of light tickles the top of their heads.

"Ew." Regulus's voice is clear and close, but not louder than Sirius's heartbeat. "Mum panties are in here."

"Do you see them?"

"Uh..." Sirius feels the robes around him move hesitantly like a soft breeze has past through them. He wants to look at Remus, he wants to move, he wants to laugh. But he holds his breath and freezes. "I am _not_ touching this stuff," whispers Regulus. Then he shouts "No!"

"Get out of there then! We've probably lost them!"

The dresser door slams shut, and two sets of feet leave the room in quick steps.

Sirius lets out his held breath into Remus's hair. "Lazy arse."

They start shaking with laughter. Nervous laughter that is all air and no sound. Sirius wants to scream. He feels wiled up and wired with shaky relief.

Remus and Sirius pull back from each other. They bump foreheads. They bump noses. They lock eyes. Glowing and merry eyes. Sirius's excuse has finally come again.

He leans forward, but Remus's hands shoot up from his waist and hold his face back.

Sirius feels panic, dread, and embarrassment curl around his stomach.

"We are not," whispers Remus. "Going to make this another random moment in the life of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black that I will dwell on for years to come. When we're done, there will be a discussion." Remus loosens his hold on Sirius's face, leans forward and kisses him with a hard, demanding, sixteen year old boy kind of kiss.

Sirius hopes they aren't done for a while.


End file.
